Self-care.

Visualize an imaginary cup inside of you that depending on how full or empty it is determines your sense of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional well-being. Certain situations or habits either fill or drain the cup and it can help us thrive as parents if we can find balance and keep our cup at least half full and “refuel” when we are feeling drained.

Taking care of your well-being which can also be called self-care is not something to do when you find the time but an absolute necessity to schedule time for, for optimal health and well-being. This can include exercise, being alone and engaging in activities that you enjoy, pampering, quiet time, hobbies etc. By sometimes completely “unplugging” for a while full recovery and restoration can take place within yourself.

Connect with yourself and meet your needs.

When you are triggered, meaning something has happened and you are having an emotional overreaction (not appropriate in relation to the event).  Take a pause, remove yourself from the situation if you can and become still and breathe. Come to terms with what happened and determine what your physical and/or emotional needs are in that moment and find a way to meet that need as soon as you can.

Journaling is the most important tool that I recommend for all challenges for example, if you are having a difficult day you can find relief by writing or typing everything out on your phone, computer or in a notebook. It can specifically be helpful to use for inner child work, to release emotion and find clarity.

Meeting your needs can be simple

Sad = Cry, journaling.

Angry = Exercise, punch a pillow, journaling.

Stressed & Overwhelmed = Conscious breathing and EFT tapping www.tappingsolution.com.

Hungry/Thirsty = Keep healthy snacks and water handy.

Tired = Rest/Nap/Sleep as soon as you can.

To connect with your needs and meet them accordingly sounds so simple, but the problem is that we tend to not do it. What we generally do is feel uncomfortable and either rage outward or numb our inner discomfort with unhealthy habits like overindulging in food, substances or mind numbing social media/television. Although those habits feel temporarily satisfying they don’t solve the underlying problem of feeling burnt-out and/or emotionally overwhelmed. In addition to meeting your needs the most important aspect of self-care is to be kind, understanding and forgiving towards yourself.

It helps to know what your child is experiencing developmentally.

My little girl’s behavior was developmentally right on schedule; starting to explore, be adventurous and try new things. As well as reacting to her emotional impulses and expressing her will and frustration as she starts to experience boundaries and disappointment. Also, I didn’t fully realize and acknowledge that the big change in our lives was having an effect on her.

In every stage of childhood as well as adolescence there are emotional challenges that the child is dealing with and it is very helpful to be aware of them and know what to expect and create a “game plan” so to speak. As a first time mommy I was not aware and prepared at all and that added to my difficulty. Our children are not purposefully aggravating us; they are dealing with how they are experiencing their world in the moment and behaving accordingly. Any form of acting out is a response to a need or fear that they are having in the moment. How to support your child in each developmental phase can be further researched but my advice would be to take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally as discussed here and that will make all the difference in how you parent your child.

How did I come to these conclusions?

My daughter is almost 6 years old now and I can say that I am back to feeling bliss as a mommy as I have learnt to navigate the challenging moments. It took me a long time to get to this point of clarity and understanding by being completely open, ready and willing to learn and change and a lot of Soul searching.

It is with all my heart that I share this information that I have applied to my own life hoping that it could perhaps help somebody. What I have learnt is that acknowledging your feelings and taking good care of your well-being is an absolute necessity when it comes to wanting to be a good parent to your children. It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate because just the awareness that your well-being matters and 5 – 20 minutes a day of any self-care practice can make all the difference.

Helpful parenting resources:

http://isha.sadhguru.org/blog/lifestyle/relationships/10-tips-on-good-parenting/

https://drshefali.com/

Why do we get angry, irritated and frustrated with our children and how can we navigate those moments.

My first two years of motherhood felt like bliss and then something happened that I wasn’t prepared for. When the difficult 2-year stage arrived of what we generally call mischief and tantrums, I would have outbursts of anger with my little girl. This made me feel like a failure and a fraud as I considered myself to be a calm and patient mommy and also helped people with their problems as a counselor.

What was happening to me?

This time culminated with some very stressful changes in my life; we moved cities, my partner had to travel abroad for an extended period of time and we were living with family. I realized that I was being hard on myself about my behavior but did not STOP and acknowledge what was going on with me. Looking back at that time it is hard for me to admit how out of touch I was with reality but at the same time I understand because that is what unacknowledged stress and strain can do to us. Many mothers have the unrealistic expectation of themselves to soldier-on no matter what is going on in their lives.

We project our pain onto our children.

My frustrating moments only happened whenever I was not feeling good within myself; overwhelmed, tired, worried, afraid, stressed, hurt or insecure. I had certain needs asking to be met and feelings needing to be acknowledged but instead I was unconsciously trying to shut it all down and projecting that frustration onto my child.

This experience goes even deeper than that. When we are children we have experiences that are upsetting, at the time we do not express and release the emotion and it stays with us unresolved. When we start having frustrating experiences with our own children the unresolved emotion gets triggered. In my case it was the anger I had suppressed from childhood experiences and I was unconsciously repeating what I had internalized.

We all have some emotional baggage from our childhood within us and when we have children it can come to the surface and that is the perfect opportunity to heal. How you do that is by acknowledging your own pain by remembering the experiences you had as a child and releasing the emotion connected to the memories. In addition to that I find it very therapeutic to visualize that the adult you comforts your inner child in challenging moments.

 

 

 

Holistic Help

A revolutionary change in the treatment of PTSD has begun with a holistic approach at the Fort Bliss Restoration and Resilience Center in Texas.⁷ The program, created by clinical psychologist John Fortunato, was launched in the summer of 2007 after a long struggle for funding. His six- to nine-month program includes a rigorous 35-hour treatment week that combines group and individual therapies that include alternative therapies such as: massage, reiki, qigong, tai qi, meditation, yoga, acupuncture, chiropractic, exercise, games, hot-stone therapy treatments and “rehearsal therapy”, which includes telling your most painful memories over and over until they lose their power.

Fortunato uses acupuncture in the treatment of anxiety, panic and tension-induced pain. Reiki treatments are used to assist in treating hyperarousal symptoms. According to Fortunato, “In order to stay alive, their bodies have been hyperaroused for so long, that they come back and cannot turn it off. Their body doesn’t even remember how to relax again, and because of that they don’t sleep and are irritable. … The massage has helped soldiers sleep.”

And the holistic healing approach for soldiers is paying off: 12 of the 37 soldiers have returned to their units and only two have ended up having to take medical discharges from the army.

According to a 2005 study,⁸ positive changes have been shown in biochemistry following massage therapy including reduced cortisol and increased serotonin and dopamine. By decreasing the clients’ cortisol levels with bodywork, a client can reduce the constant feelings of hyperarousal and danger. By increasing serotonin and dopamine in the brain, an ease of suffering and anxiety is felt.⁸

A study on sexual abuse victims suffering from PTSD conducted by Cynthia Price, concluded victims of PTSD showed a significant decrease in physiological and physical symptoms, after massage and body-oriented therapy (in addition to psychotherapy).⁹

Alternative medicine, massage and bodywork, along with traditional methods, can help victims of PTSD in the recovery process. With PTSD numbers on the rise, and more troops coming home every day, there are plenty of sufferers in need. In the hands of a well-intentioned therapist, massage for clients with PTSD acknowledges and helps to restore the most basic human needs of safety, trust, control, self-worth and intimacy. When these needs are satisfied in the context of a healthy therapeutic relationship, an individual may not only succeed but re-learn or discover for the first time how to thrive.²

 

I have personally experienced many changes in my life, some were out of my control and others required “decisions”. From moving cities & countries to ending relationships and career and also loss of loved ones.

It can be a very uncomfortable experience but it can be managed, navigated and enable personal growth. I’ve heard it being said and I’m sure you have too that change is a part of life, it’s the only constant and it’s the only thing we can be sure of. That has been true in my life and the easiest way to deal with it is to go with the flow instead of resisting it.

For me personally the big changes I’ve made never felt like decisions. I just reached a major crossroad and KNEW internally what I needed to do. When I made the changes everything fell into place but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t very painful at times.

Two things said by spiritual teachers that I’ve heard over the years made a lot of sense:
1) We create an identity for ourselves with the things that are in our lives; relationship, job, friends & family etc. When we lose any of those or make changes we feel a bit lost because we feel like our identity has changed, the fundamental question: Who am I? The answer to that is there is a part of you that is forever changeless and can be called,Spirit, Soul, Love, Peace, Joy, Consciousness, Presence, Pure etc. I am just as I arrived when I was born, Pure Existence. The things, people, situations, labels, past time, career etc. doesn’t make me who I am. I AM pure creativity and potential. Nothing defines me and nothing and no one can take that away from me.

2) Every NEW situation I find myself in brings everything that needs to be healed to the surface. How do I heal? Acknowledge what’s going on. Grieve. Feel all feelings and let the emotions move through your body. Allow everything, Journal and practice Self-care. Always come back to yourself with LOVE. We often tend to abandon ourselves when things get tough and we feel scared and that is why it feels so uncomfortable. Be very aware of the story you are telling yourself in your head about what is going on.

So, change is inevitable and we often know exactly what we need to do. It can be uncomfortable but there is so much we can do for ourselves to make it as bearable as possible.

I personally believe our life-path is laid out for us and our map is our intuition, our internal KNOWING. The good news is that we are not alone, help and guidance is available. I have personally received miracles from the simple prayer: Please help me.